Halfsies (yes this is totally going where you think its going!)

For reals, is halfsies even a word? I’m pretty sure no, and fuck the dude that used it. Alright, babycakes, here’s the story. Once again, I met this dude online, same free site (you’re thinking to yourself, “Hey, maybe you should try another site dumbass,” oh wait. Just you wait for that story) and he seemed super cool. Of course, I’m going to refer to him as Halfsies. Let’s be real for a mo, I just want to share funny stories, I don’t want to be mean or embarrass anyone so I will never, NEVER use real names, that’s just mean. We emailed, we chatted, we even talked on the damn phone for hours, like in high school. Did I mention he had this sweet beard *swoon* I love a man with a beard. Anyhoo, as these things go, we made plans to meet. Specifically, he said he would like to take me to dinner. I didn’t mess around and made plans to meet with him at the same restaurant as Sergeant Drunk Pants (hey why not? Plus, you know my reasons). The date was set for 6pm EST; take note loves, this is super important (otherwise I’d not have mentioned it, duh!). Now I’ve told you that I like to be a little early for my dates, but I want my dates to be punctual. I’ll cut some slack for about 5 minutes because parking downtown is a bitch and clocks can be different, but anymore than that and you’ve not texted me? I’m going to be pissed.

Right, well its Friday, we’ve got plans, this is going to be awesome, then I get a text at 4:45 pm. He’s going to be late. For real? You’re just now letting me know?! Ok, ok, you let me know, that’s cool, you get props. I’ll go home and freshen up my mascara or something. Well I went home and changed, standard first date at a pub attire; long sleeve t-shirt and jeans. Not to mention it was winter and kinda cold. I take my time; take Dog Face out for a potty, wash some dishes, and then roll on over to the restaurant. I get there my standard 7 minutes early, and grab a seat at the bar to await my bearded date. And I wait. And I wait. And about twenty after 6 I get pissed. Halfsies comes strolling in around 6:30, grinning, not a care in the world. Grr. Fine, whatevs, maybe he had car trouble, maybe a bird shat on his head, I’m going to try and salvage this, because dude seemed cool as hell. We grab our seat, I order a pint of Strongbow and we get to talking. And then I see his eyes drift…(yes loves, he was checking out my chest within five minutes. Ok, I know they’re kinda out there, but it’s not like I was wearing a nipple shirt or anything, I was wearing a damn t shirt) Before I can make a snide remark, he pulls out his cell phone and checks a facebook status update. What?! I FB regularly, I ❤ FB, but I don’t do it on a first date, unless I’m in the bathroom. While he’s updating his FB or whatever he was doing he starts telling me that he was running late because he got caught up in a video game. WHAT THE HELL? If he hadn’t been so busy on his cell phone, he would have seen my jaw drop in disbelief. Of course he would also have to look at my face…this was an issue. Le sigh, I’ve decided he’s not worth anymore effort, so I let him know I’m done with dinner (can I just point out that I’m not a twat on first dates? I like to order inexpensive items because it’s amazeballs that the guy pays. Also, OMG if you’ve never tried coddle, put some in your mouth, you’ll thank me, that stew is the shit!) Well our poor waiter comes (I’m pretty sure everyone in this restaurant feels sorry for me, they’ve seen these dates first hand) with the check and politely sets in the middle of the table. Dude reaches for it, looks at the total, looks at my chest and says, “Hey, this is really reasonable! *dramatic pause* Want to go halfsies?” Dear readers, please tell me that you are either laughing hysterically or banging your heads on your desks. I find either or both acceptable responses.


PS: I’m actually more offended that a 36 year old man used the word “halfsies” than the fact that he wanted to go dutch…

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