Another one! I know, I just have so many stories I can’t help but share them. This one is epic in the fact that the exchange happens over a series of months. I mean, you’d think I’d learn my lesson, right? I should probably not continue trying to date. But loves, I’ve gotten to the point, I look forward to horrible dates just for the stories. I mean every cloud has a silver lining, mine just happen to be hysterical laughter! It’s cool. I really hope this brightens your Mondays, because babycakes, I know how rough Mondays are.
So I actually met this guy at a bar (which is NOT a good idea. Let’s be serious, at the bar you’ve probably got your beer goggles on and your inhibitions are lowered. Not going to find the love of your life in that state). But I met him, he had an amazing beard (what can I say, it’s a weakness!) and he was funny and sweet and complimentary. And I was totally swept off my feet. We actually hung out several times (what?! I made it to a second date? I know! But it’s only happened like 4 times). So by the third time we hang out, I know somethings not quite right. My dog hates him, like growly hates him (she’s a weenus and does not growl, her defense mechanism is to piddle) and his actions are somewhat erratic (read mood swings, rollercoaster style). I decide to cool it and we stop talking. I know this doesn’t sound all that great and you are thinking to yourself, “Umm this is super lame, why are you even blogging about this?” Because babycakes, it’s what happens next that will blow your mind.
So I’ve not seen this guy for about 3 months at this point, and I’m not missing it. Come to find out we have a mutual friend in common and he is legitimately crazy. Like needs to take meds crazy. Now, I’m not hating on him, I just know that’s not something I want to deal with at this point in my life. Plus my dog didn’t like you. I’m at another bar, with my bestie, Red, her hubby is playing a show so we’re checking out the sweet ass tunes when low and behold who’s there? Dude. *face palm* He comes up to me and is super sweet, buys me a beer, and we’re all shooting the shit. Then we get to that awkward point in the conversation where dude says, “Hey, I’ve not heard from you in awhile…been busy?” Oh shit, I’ve just been called out. True story, I had not only stopped talking to him, I had been super busy, so with a clear conscious, I answer in the affirmative. That’s when he puts his arm around this young’un nearby (I’m not kidding, she looked about 19) and says, “That’s ok I’ve been busy too.” She turns toward us and she is PREGNANT! Like 6 months knocked up! WHAT THE FUCK!?! Oh wait, it gets better, sooooooo much better!
I’m all slack jawed, Red is trying not to laugh, and then dude (with his arm still around baby momma) looks me dead in the eye and says, “But when this is all cleared up, want to grab dinner together?” Fuck me sideways. Did he for real say that? For the first time EVER, I have no words. Red is shaking so hard she looks like she’s having a seizure, and I just walk away. I mean for serious, what do you even do in that situation? I’m guessing they left, but truthfully I wasn’t paying attention. Mostly because I was telling Red’s hubby the story and we were all laughing hysterically.
BUT WAIT!! THERE’S MORE!!!!
Flash forward another like 6 months, the kid has obviously popped out. I’m at the gas station; I go to this gas station all the time. I get free coffee there why would I not go? Pshaw. Right, I’ve got my coffee in hand and I’m walking to the car when I hear my name and son of a duck if it’s not dude. Ugh. Well, despite what you may think, I’m actually a nice person so I ask after junior and baby momma. He offers to show me pictures *eye roll* so I look. While we’re scrolling through pics of his lady’s vagina, he puts his arm around me and says, “You look really good. I would love to take you out for drinks and dinner.” Gentle readers, what would you do? On my end, there was stuttering and then running away. Sadly I’ve been paying for my coffee ever since, just in case.
On a totally unrelated side note, a friend sent me this video, the end is the best http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scczP4z9xr4
Can I just say I love him? Just a little bit…