Hey babycakes, betcha thought I was out of dating stories right? Oh no, I’m not, I just wanted to share other things with your for awhile, you know keep you guessing, because it’s part of my feminine wiles. That whole mysterious thing. Though I guess if I really wanted to be mysterious I wouldn’t be posting about my dating life, but whatevs. Semantics or something. Though that really does raise the question, What are feminine wiles? I mean is the it use of perfume and lipstick? Skirts and high heels? The ability to be HI-larious, love nerdy sci-fi, and still be able to shop at Victoria’s Secret? I dunno, maybe I should seeing as how I’m a female and all, but the wiles, I just don’t get. So someone please explain. Maybe if I start using my wiles I can get to a second date! Oooo! I wonder if I can google that shit.
Ok, I’ve googled, according to the Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English wiles refer to “clever talk or tricks used to persuade someone to do what you want”. http://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/wiles
Ugh, I’m screwed. Or not screwed. But basically that is not something I will ever excel at. I suck at those games and that kind of word play *eye roll*. Oh well, no biggie, I’ll make it somehow (can you tell I’m so totally upset? [yes babycakes, that’s sarcasm]) but anyway, I have another dating story that will blow your minds. Which reminds me, I wanted to ask, has your brain needed a cigarette yet? Because I hope so.
On to the dating story!! So I met this guy, we’ll call him Sven (who doesn’t like that name?!) and we decided to meet at a local restaurant, different from where I normally choose! Gasp! Change?! No worries, loves, I can deal with it! I should have known this wasn’t going to go well right from the get go. Even chatting with him he reminded me of THE EX. Like the bolding I’ve got going on again? Now THE EX is not a horrible person (see? Look at me being nice!), but there’s a reason that we are exes. Der. So why would I want to go out with someone like him? I dunno, heat stroke? Of course it was the middle of February, but whatevs, I’m still claiming heat stroke. Or Mercury was in retrograde.
So I park (always an ordeal, I normally opt for a parking garage) and stroll toward the restaurant, Sven was early. (Gah, no last minute spinach check! Not that it mattered, I’m pretty sure I didn’t have spinach for lunch that day…) But it’s so much better than being late. And saying “Halfsies”, I may or may not still be stuck on that *eye roll*. Well, once again it’s a weird situation because Sven had invited me to dinner. Now when someone invites me to dinner, I do expect to eat. Not the most expensive thing, as I’ve mentioned before, but I do want food in my belly. However, when I sit down in the booth, the second thing out of his mouth is, “I’m not really that hungry, let’s just split an appetizer.” Fuck, man. I was hungry! Grr. Fine, we’ll split something. (Ps. The first thing was, “Hi, I’m Sven.”) So Sven places an order for the generic spinach artichoke appetizer available at EVERY RESTAURANT EVERYWHERE (and puts me in danger of spinach in my teeth! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!). And then he starts talking. And talking. And talking. I’m not even sure this guy took a breath! I don’t really remember most of it. But there was lots of “I’m so awesome….seriously, I’m the best ever….no one’s ever held that job as long as me…this school called and begged me to attend…blah blah blah.” Now ok, lets be real for a mo. It’s a first date, obviously you want to impress said date. So you toot your own horn a little (get your mind out of the gutter!) but only a little. This straight up self love was kinda off putting. Hmm, no, really off putting. So word of advice my dudely friends, saying cool things about yourself is good in very small doses, but don’t forget to ask the lady (or other dude, I don’t judge) sitting across from you about her(or him)self.
Well, I’ve been sitting sipping my beer, nibbling on the most generic appetizer for 40 minutes when Sven suddenly looks up announces that he has to pee and rushes off. Ok then. That was awkward. I wait for him to make his way back to the table, secretly hoping that he’s decided to skip out on the date. Sadly he didn’t. Boo. He gets back to the table, sits down, looks at me and says, “Oh, by the way, what was your name again?” Ermahgerd. I was done at that point. He didn’t even wait for me to answer, just went into a tirade about his awesome taste in movies. I decided, fuck it, this date can’t get any worse, so I started interrupting him and telling him why his taste sucked. J Is it sad that I had fun doing that? But I only got to be snarky for like 12 minutes! He figured out what was going on, asked for the check and said something about the work of a genius never being done. I may or may not have choked on air. I will confirm nothing.