You’re going to unleash the WHAT?!

Alright loves, settle in. Momma has her favorite story for you. Well my favorite story thus far. I’m sure there will be others to top it because, hey, that’s what I do! *wink* I want to warn all of you out there (all like 4 of you, but I adore each and every one of you!) that this is an anomaly; I went out with this gentleman for 2.5 months! It was a whole 5 or 6 dates. Did that just blow your mind? I mean for serious, this is the longest relationship I’ve had since THE BREAKUP. That’s kind of amazeballs right there. OK so background, because this was a fucked up situation and had I been thinking clearly, I’d’ve never gone out even once with this Dude. But man oh man am I glad I did, otherwise I wouldn’t have this aMAZing story otherwise.

I finally joined a different dating site. I actually paid this site, because I thought, “Oh hey, maybe if I pay money to meet people they’ll be way more normal that the dudes on the free site.” Sigh. Two issues with my reasoning:

  1. Paying money to meet people just sounds kinda dirty now that I’ve written it. Eww.
  2. Dudes on pay sites are just as bad, the only difference? Those dudes can afford a monthly premium *sigh*

Ok so this dude contacts me on my new paid site. It was so shiny and pretty and stuff. My profile was toned down from the super sexy one that was on the free site. I mean to be fair, I think perhaps my witty comments and crazy list of accomplishments attracted my former “winners”, so brainiac I am, I toned it down. Made myself sound “normal”, well more “normal”, ok ok, less crazy awesome. Right so I get an email from a beefy dude with a sweet red beard *swoon* who looks vaguely familiar. Whatevs. We email back and forth a couple of times, and I’m still nagged by the fact I know him from somewhere. Then it hits me, oh shit, this dude used to date this cool chick that happens to be one of my BEST FRIENDS. (That’s kind of fucked up, right? I mean I knew him when he was dating her and everything.) I’m not tapping that. Well, I want to confirm, so on a lunch break, I tell the dudette what’s been going on and show her a pic. She’s all, “OMG, that’s tots the dude! WTF you should go out with him, he’ll treat you well and then we can dish. WIN.” Well color me shocked. Ok, I had full permission to see this dude, because man, that beard was hot. A few more emails and dude asks me to dinner. I tell him I want Thai food (whoa! That’s totally new! I mean not new, I adore Thai, but having a Thai first date, pshaw) and we meet. He’s funny, he’s charming, he’s attentive, he’s attractive, HE PAYS FOR MY FUCKING DINNER (can I double swoon, because that may have happened) and then we make plans to meet again AND HE SHOWS UP!!!! Holy shit, I’ve got a second date with a dude I like! Well I think I like him, it’s really hard to tell how much you like someone on those first few dates, unless they are epic douche bags, then it’s obvious you don’t like them, but whatevs.

So we go on several dates, he’s a gentleman, picks me up, holds open doors…but does not touch me. Like no kiss at the end of the first (or second or third) date does not touch me. So I just assume I got bro’ed again. I mean, based on past experience, it seemed legit. I actually kinda liked this guy and wanted to spend more time with him and every other time that’s happened, they pull the, “I just want to be friends…” card. Well, I’m kind of a bitch and as long as he still wanted to hang out and pay for my dinner and chat with me I was going to milk it.

So then we schedule Date 4 (holy shit, 4 dates! Can you believe it?!). And I offer to make food. Mostly because I was feeling a little guilty about him always paying for dinner (and I offered to pay, promise) and I like cooking. Oh yeah and I’m kind of a bad ass in the kitchen. So I decided, this dude has a panty dropping beard, I’m gonna make him Shepherd’s Pie. Because that is delish in my mouth. And its tots a dude meal- meat, potatoes, cheese, and sneaky veggies. Right. Well the bearded one brings over some wine and we eat and then drink and then hang out on my living room floor chilling with Dog-Face, who btw adores this dude, granted he did spend an inordinate amount of time wooing my dog, but whatevs. AND THEN IT HAPPENS!!! He kisses me. Wait, what? I wasn’t bro’ed? For reals? Cool! Except I didn’t really feel anything. Umm no spark. And he kinda did dead fish kissy lips. But I can work on that! So obviously we made out. Because that’s what you do. And it was all very proper for a make out session, he didn’t get handsy at all. So we have another 2 dates where we have some very PG making out. And then we come to THE DATE.

This was a big deal, I was introducing him to my friends, because it was my buddy, Mike D’s (heh heh) birthday. I’ve known this dude for like 5 years and I’m pretty tight with Mike D and his girl. So I invited the bearded one to celebrate the day my buddy popped out the vagina. And he said yes! The evening of the outing (because we were tots going to bar hop at local hipster bars. How fun!!) the bearded one takes me to dinner (I was sad panda, because I was just getting over a vicious stomach flu so I only got to pick at m’food) and then we go hang out back at my apartment. Ok, we were making out at my apartment, on the floor of my living room mind you, because Dog-Face was all up in our business, so I put her in the bedroom. I happen to look at the clock and realize the festivities would start in about 15 minutes- we need to get going and I tell the bearded one as much. THEN it changes. He gets all pouty and says, “Are you sure you want me to go? Because I’ll go if you really want me to….” Of course I say, “Duh, I really want you to go asshat.” And then he stands up, spreads his feet about shoulder width apart, grabs the zipper to his fly, and says (in the Batman voice mind you), “Are you really sure? Because, I was about to unleash….THE DESTROYER!!!!!!!

Is there stunned silence? Because that’s what happened, followed by my hysterical laughter for about 10 minutes. I mean I almost pissed my pants I was laughing so hard (which , in retrospect, may have offended the bearded one)! So dude got whiny, pissy look on his face and I drag him out with me where he REFUSES TO MAKE EYE CONTACT and leaves after 15 minutes. And, true story, I’ve never heard from him again.

That loves, it’s the crème de la crème of my dating stories. So far anyway. But don’t worry, I still have some kinda funny ones I’m going to share with you. Mostly because I can.

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3 Responses to You’re going to unleash the WHAT?!

  1. Julia Rhodes says:

    No way. I mean, really? You for real didn’t make that up?

    does. not. compute.

    Also: hahahahahaaha!

  2. Keri says:

    This story cracks me up soon much!!! Mainly bc I know the bearded one. Hahahhahahaha

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