I’m not your sugar momma.

Ehrmahgerd babycakes. I have a story!!! I know, I’m back in the game (does anyone else imagine Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 10 Things? Just me? Ok) Anyway. Post birthday date, I had another date with a dude on Sunday (what? I doubled up on dates, I have no shame) So I met this guy on my free site. We ended up watching a zombie show together. We had been talking for about a week prior and he was totally up front about the fact he had a shitty paying job and no car. I give him props for that, better than lying and being caught in that web of lies like a pain in the ass fly. Anyway! So he comes over we hang out, I like him, I’m pretty sure he likes me, I mean if the “Good Morning beautiful” text the next day is any indication, I was in! Woot! But then (isn’t there always a but then? I mean fuck, every time.)

But then (sorry I got distracted) he comes to hang out the next day, I make dinner. Look, yes, he was up front about being broke, which I respect, but I wasn’t about to be a sugar momma. I didn’t sign up for that, in fact I explicitly said that wouldn’t happen, so I’m not about to buy his broke ass dinner, but I will share mine, since I was cooking anyway (mind you I’ve been picking this guy up and dropping him off at his house which is on the opposite side of town from me). So I make dinner, then he zones out in front of the TV. Just straight up, no attention being paid to anything else, zones out. He had already told me that loved TV and watched a lot of it, albeit on Netflix, since he doesn’t have cable. He was not fucking kidding. Now, I don’t think I’m a femme fatale, but since we had already kissed, I would have like a little attention, you know, making out. Amirite? Who the fuck doesn’t like making out? Ugh.

Whatevs, so we didn’t hang out the following day (at this point we had hung out like 3 days in a row) but on Thursday, I go out, I have standing plans with my girls and told him as much. Well, then I text him and ask if he want to hang out a bit after my plans, I even say, “We can totally make out in the car like high schoolers,” because that shit is funny. His response is along the lines of “LOL, or cuddle and watch TV?” Hmm my red flags are popping. And trust me loves, me popping red flags is not a good thing. The only good thing I should be popping is boners, like nerd boners over the Firefly reunion episode (OMG SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!). Anyhoo, I pick him up (because I’m an idiot) and he basically thanks me for getting him out of the house because he was going crazy from sitting at home. Grr. We get to my place and first thing out of his mouth is, “Hey girl (only Ryan Gosling should ever try this, btw) mind if I make a quesadilla?” Um no, I guess not? (Also loves, I’m not a total moron, I have roomies who will help keep me safe, in case you were worried about me, which I totally appreciate my darlings).So he makes himself at home in my kitchen and then settles in to watch TV. I’m really starting to hate my TV at this point. Well, no not really, it wasn’t TV’s fault. Uneventful evening. Lamesauce to the extreme. Then, he smokes my last cigarette. (For those of you who are not smokers, this is verboten. Unless you’re going to immediately replenish that person’s smokes. HA!) Not going to lie, I’m irritated; this guy is definitely showing a lot of similarities to THE EX. Now I know that I’ve said that the ex is not a bad person, and this is the truth, but he was kind of a mooch. After him, I swore to myself I wouldn’t do that again. So I gave this dude till Friday to prove himself. (He had mentioned that he got paid on Friday, so I was holding out hope) Those of you know actually know me know that I give no fucks about how much someone makes. So I didn’t expect this dude to take me to Restaurant Talent or something, but offering to make dinner would have been good. (Did I mention that on Thursday he had stated he wanted to do dinner and a movie in and he had been craving chicken?) Or even offering to pick up the tab for some fast food (I don’t like fast food, but when a dude’s broke, I’m not going to make him broker).

Flash to Friday, I’m talking to my friend about dude and she’s all, “Drop him like a fucking hot potato, he’s going to find a way to move in and you’ll never get rid of him…ever”. Well, he starts texting me he had hopped on the bus and rented 2 of my favorite movies. I’m not going to lie, I got a little watery over that. *eye roll* but then (fucking “but then” again) he starts texting me and asking me to print off job applications AND sees if I can finagle him an interview at a place that’s not my job, but where THE EX works. Umm, ‘scuse me? A. I don’t work there (yes I know a lot of people that do, but really?) B. I’m not your agent/personal secretary/job whore. C. What the fuck?

I mean I really felt that I had to add in C, because I’m not really sure what to think about that. Am I glad he’s looking for a job that gives him more than 5 hours a week? Yes. Do I think its weird a dude I’ve know for 5 days is asking me for these things? Fuck yes. After work (which mind you, I’ve been working a lot lately and he actually sent me a text at one point asking when I’d be around to pick him up) I drive over to get him and he is PISSY. Not at me, I don’t think, but in general, like pre-MANstrual syndrome (like what I did there?) pissy. And he never offered to get me back for smokes (he had ended up smoking over half a pack of mine) nor had he ever planned on making dinner. He asks that I take him to our local hippie/whole/organic food store where he buys some snacks, but doesn’t offer to get me anything. Then we grab some fast food, I get something relatively cheap, but he doesn’t offer to pick it up. Ok, not super annoying, more minor annoyance. We get back to my place and set up the movie and then he pisses me off. Previously, he had been all over my dog, loving on her and petting her, etc. Well since he was in a pissy mood, he kinda takes it out on my dog; pushing her away from him, not giving her any pets, calling her fugly (ok he was doing it in a sing song voice, but still). You’ve all seen my babe, she’s gorgeous! She’s my fur baby. I don’t let anyone give her shit, except me. So I tell her not to take that shit from him and know what? She didn’t!! I was so proud of her. She didn’t  bite him, she’s not vicious, but she ignored him when he finally got out of his funk!!  And he seemed all offended. Tough shit, douche nozzle. Also, he ignored me the whole time. I don’t take that shit either. So I was sitting on the opposite end of the couch and he made no move to touch me, hold my hand, rub my back, whatevs. No thanks sunshine, I want a relationship, don’t get me wrong, and I know I’ve said I would love to just drop into the middle of a 3 year relationship, but that wasn’t what I meant. I didn’t mean only having to deal with your emotional baggage, lack of ambition, and neediness without getting anything in return. I meant feeling comfortable with that person, sharing dreams, providing emotional support and getting that in return. Once again, it looks like I want the impossible! Hold on to your hats kids, I’m accepting that fucking impossible mission, and I won’t rest until I get what I want. Because damnit I deserve it, and so does my Prince Charming, wherever he is.

But not to worry, until my mate shows up on his sparkly unicorn/Pegasus with his beard flowing in the breeze, I will continue going out on these dates. However, if any of my readers out there (despite the lull in writing, I think I’m up to at least 9!!!) know a dude with a beard, a unicorn, and a sense of humor…go ahead and send him my way!

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5 Responses to I’m not your sugar momma.

  1. Cassie says:

    Dude, wow. That guy is like the guy I went on a date with once who didn’t have a passenger seat in his car. Or a door on his bathroom. Like in the sense that they may be great for some girl who wants/has time for a fixer-upper. Not us, dollface.

  2. I’ve heard tell that a guy who rescues a “damsel in distress” ends up with a distressed damsel. I suppose it works both ways.

  3. tnick82 says:

    Wow…I’d almost ask if this guy was MY ex but no, you had the misfortune of meeting (and firing, if I remember correctly) him. If only I stopped when you did. *sigh* Take it from me, another two years of that shit wouldn’t have been worth it…

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