You ever have one of those days where no matter what you just feel depressed? I’m totally having one of those. I think it’s because my hormones are all over the place and my uterus is trying to claw it’s way out of my body. So basically this happens once a month. Of course this is also happening 7 days before what would have been my Mom’s 66th birthday and right on the cusp of contacting a realtor to sell her house. What I’m saying is if someone wants to come bring me cake and then snuggle while we watch Pitch Perfect, I wouldn’t say no!
On the flip side, things do become easier with time. While I still get sad, especially after I bought my house, it’s not as all encompassing as it was immediately after her death. This is pretty obvious, I’m sure, but still worth commenting on, for a while there I felt like nothing would fall into place. Almost like I had torn a muscle somewhere and it made everything else hurt and feel out of place. But I think it’s healing. Probably less quickly than some would like, but I’m not going to apologize for my grief or how I dealt with it.
I know that I pushed away certain people; part of it had to do with the fact I couldn’t handle their needy bullshit. And the other half stemmed from the fact that I realized I didn’t need that kind of support; the kind that would always try to reopen the wound. I’ve got plenty of people around me who will hug me on me and let me rehash when I need it, but otherwise, go on about out lives, living and telling fun stories. That’s what I needed, I needed the release of laughter and the hugs given out of love, not obligation. I needed people to distract me so I wouldn’t dwell and sink deeper into that murky pool of depression. And luckily, that’s what I got; a group of the most amazing people both close to me and hours away that I can depend on and hopefully can depend on me.
Does it feel a little weird realizing that sometimes you have to cut people out of you lives when they’ve been around since you were born? Yes. It does. So many people stress family above everything, specifically blood family. Meh. Blood, choice, if I count you as family, I will do anything for you, but just because we are blood, that doesn’t mean we are family and I don’t feel bad about that. I feel a strange sense of relief. Knowing that drama can be avoided, joy will be real, and that there are no obligations is freeing.
Now, I’m not saying go cut everyone out of your life, obviously, but don’t be afraid to trim the fat a bit, if you will. If a relationship is unhealthy, end it! You will feel a million times better.
Ok kids, that’s enough philosophy today, I need to go knit a hat, drink a beer, and hit on a dude. Preferably a bearded, tattooed dude.