Slut Shaming(ish)

So slut shaming. Let’s think about it for a minute. It’s something we’ve all probably engaged in, from judging their clothing, makeup, and hair styles to judging based on numbers of partners and experience, poly-amory, group sex, partner swapping, number of children. Hell, I’ve probably slut shamed, unfortunately, and it’s not like I’m Sister Mary Catherine, but I never really thought about it in relation to my own experience until today. Mostly because something happened to me, and it really struck a chord. It wasn’t slut shaming, per se, but more of a “based on your initial actions, of course this reaction is expected”.

So I went out with this guy, and slept with him. On the first date. Apparently this is important. Anyway, we went out a few more times, I was feeling kind of “meh” about the entire situation, but when he got a hold of me the other day, I thought, “Hey, I’m going to give this another chance. Maybe it was just weird jitters on the first couple of dates.” So when he asked about getting together again I agreed. Several hours passed after we had agreed to another date, and he shot me another text. Something along the lines of, “Thinking of you!” Which I thought was very sweet.

Then he started sexting me, without any encouragement for the initial text, or for the continuing ones. In the morning, I let him know that his immediate jump to sexting, especially since it wasn’t reciprocal, was demeaning and made me feel like a piece of meat. He didn’t apologize, just told me that he was feeling frisky and would leave me alone if that’s what I wanted.

Whatever, I said my piece, let him know how the situation made me feel, but here’s where it gets weird. I was talking to a friend about it, and she told me, basically, “Well since you already slept with him, he probably just felt like he could, like he was within the safety zone.” Now, my friend is probably right, and this isn’t a rant against her or even him, this is a rant over the situation.

Yes, I had sex with him. Yes, I willingly spent time with him. No, I did not encourage the sexting. No, he did not stop the sexting. And therein lies the problem. If this guy had started sexting me and upon realizing, “Oh, she’s not into that” had stopped and started talking about something else, solid. I appreciate that. Or even apologized when I explained how it made me feel, I would have been ok with the misunderstanding, but an “Oh, I understand, but I was horny” doesn’t cut it.

Actions have consequences, I’m not denying that, I’m not writing this to say that he should have read my mind. All that I’m saying is that having sex with someone does not guarantee that they will be allowed to have sex with me again, and does not give you the right to expect levels of intimacy based only on your whim.

I am a person, I am not your play toy and my interest in consensual relations is not only best for everyone involved (because it’s a hell of a lot more fun), it’s a requirement. As it is for you. 30 years old is more than old enough to know what I want, what I deserve, and what I will not accept. And  I will not accept being treated only as an object to fuck, ever.

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