Holidays are so weird. I mean, I can get behind most of them, but for some reason Christmas makes me want to curl up on my couch and drink alone. Actually, I know why, it’s not like I don’t know what’s going on. But I find that this year is harder than last year.
I would have thought last year would have been the worst, just coming off of Mom’s death, but it’s definitely been this year; more than anything I feel achingly alone. It’s not even like Mom and I were that close, at least in recent years. But in the past we had been, and while roles were reversed in the 3-4 years before she died, I still talked to her every day. Sometimes the silence is so much my ears hurt. Don’t get me wrong, I like the silence, I like living alone, I do like all of that, it’s just this time of the year makes it tough to fight depression. My case isn’t debilitating, or even regularly around, but it’s there, lurking in the corners of my mind, waiting for me to get a low point before it pops out.
The weird thing is, if I can get myself out of the house, I’m better. But unless I have someone meeting me, and someone I love, not some stupid date, I will lay on my couch all day. This can be attributed to laziness, that’s 100% true, and it’s really hard for me to explain the difference, but there is one. I am lazy, I get that, but even lazy me is at least knitting when sitting on the couch. Depressed me does nothing. Well, except emotionally eat. But sleeping for 15+ hours? Easy. Contemplating calling into work for the week? Sounds like the best idea ever. Ignoring calls/texts? Check and mate. So during the week is better, because I have to go to work; Dog needs food and squeaky toys, and there’s that pesky mortgage. But even after work sometimes, all I want to do is hide.
Now here’s the thing, I’m not a psychologist, but I’m not sure if my winter blues are caused by an actual chemical imbalance, or if I’m just trying to hide from my emotions. I don’t even know if there’s a difference, but I do know that anymore if I can avoid those emotions, I’ll do it. Like considering cancelling going to see my family for Christmas avoidance.
Luckily, I do have a great therapist to help me with this, but that doesn’t make the every day apathy any less disconcerting.