50 Shades of zzz…..

I saw 50 Shades last night. With approximately eleventybillion other women and 11 dudes. That was the actual ratio in the theater. It was…honestly? Rather boring. Don’t get me wrong, there were funny parts and I did snortle a few times, the actor who played Ana Whatsherface did a lot of giggling at the ridiculousness that was Christian Grey and she delivered a few good one liners. And Jamie Dornan looked all broody, as he was supposed to, I guess. But as it was pointed out by a review in the New Yorker, he has way more sexual tension in The Fall (plus Gillian Anderson is amazing), so there’s that.

There may be spoilers? I dunno, I’m going to assume that my 4 loyal readers have either read the books or don’t give a fuck.

My favorite part of the entire thing was the fact that Ana’s character was pretty blasé about personal grooming so in the “sexy” scenes, she definitely had hairy legs and a bush. Git it gurl! I mean the bush was just hinted at, as this was only rated R and not NC 17, so we didn’t see D in the V, but it was strongly implied, and they teased with a lot of “OMG they’re going to show…oh wait no” shots. Which is fine, if I want porn, I’m going online. Or to HBO, because I’m pretty sure it’s more explicit (amirite GOT fans?). And I also liked when Ana’s character called Grey on his bullshit, including the contract negotiation scene. But I like ball busting bitches, they are near and dear to my heart.

Here are the things I didn’t like:

The panty sniffing. Seriously, it happens at one point in the movie and my gut reaction is, “NOPE…nope nope nope!” in theory it may sound sexy when you’re reading it, but in a movie it’s just awkward and creepy.

And while I was impressed by the expansive selection of toys in the “red room of pain” or whatever she calls it, he used maybe 2 things; wrist restraints, rope, flogger, belt. Ok 4 things. Still, he had a huuuuuge selection of floggers, canes, whips, crops, restraints, I would hope a spreader or two, and used a fraction of that. Thinking back maybe it was like 5; at one point he played with the riding crop.

Which brings us to my next point- the audio. When he was using the flogger or crop, there were smacking sounds, as you do, but, especially with the flogger, I didn’t find them to be realistic. Which was definitely a mood breaker and I think I decided to rest my eyes at that point, but the lady next to me kept jostling the arm rest and disturbing my nap.

Lack of compromise, Grey’s all about his contract, despite Ana’s concern, even going so far as to do some D/S things with her without the contract, but when she mentions dinners and movies he’s all, “I don’t do that” *insert smoldering look*. So when it comes to negotiations, it was a little one-sided.

Stalking is no laughing matter and never romantic yet he tracked her down, out of state, and interrupted her girl time with her mom that she needed because he was a controlling assbutt! He did other creepy things too, but the interrupted mom time really pissed me off, even though no one else in the movie seemed to mind! Bah.

And lastly, when she asks him to punish her, hard, because she needs to know how bad it can be, SHE NEVER USES HER SAFE WORD. Then she’s all butthurt (literally and figuratively) over the belt whipping she got. Personally I think most of this falls on him as a Dom, if you’re dealing with someone as naïve as this chick, you gotta lay shit out on the line, not just ,”Oh hey, here’s a safe word”, but “This is when/how/why you use it. AND BE SURE TO USE IT!” which really could have addressed a lot of the issues with the ending. I’m going out on a limb here and inferring that she felt used and degraded, but that’s when we say, “RED”. Basically their whole D/S relationship wasn’t done well (on screen or in the book) and it was pretty clear that Grey liked to embrace the lifestyle outside of the bedroom, or shackles, which was not her jam. And she wasn’t upfront about that. Now I’m not an expert, but a D/S relationship, just like any relationship relies on good communication of what each party is comfortable with and expecting out of the exchange and that contract really didn’t cover it, at least from her end.

So there you go kids, my thoughts on 50 Shades. On a ranking of sexiness from 1-10, I’m going to go ahead and give it a Sahara Desert. On that note, I’m going to go read a book, probably Castle Waiting, which I highly recommend.

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