Gimme that cheddar

Well kids, another dating disaster happened last night. Disaster *may* be too strong of a word…faux pas? Annoyance? Something, something obnoxious.

First, the whole fact that a date happened was my fault. This dude stood me up last week. I say stood me up, but really, his cancellation message didn’t show up until I had been at the bar for an hour and gotten rather involved in Dostoyevsky (dating tip #1 – always bring a book, this way if they stand you up, you’re not awkwardly staring at people until they are moved with pity to talk to you. Also it’s useful if your date sucks and you want to distract yourself…) regardless, I’m calling it being stood up, since he claimed to have a ceiling fan fall in, but really he had a leak and then went to a concert in Chicago. So, he would have had to cancel/stand me up due to his poor time management. And while, poor time management is one of my pet peeves, this isn’t what infuriated me about this date.

After my standing plans with Red fell through, I emailed him to see if he was free (as a dude in his 40s, he was) to cash in the rain check from when he stood me up. We decided to meet at a local brewery’s tasting room; good beer, quiet atmosphere; sounds like a good plan!

I got to the bar about 10 minutes early (I’m super into this series right now, they’re cheesy, but cheesy in the way that good fantasy can be) and planned on being all settled in with some water. Well, he was already there, and had been there for a bit, by the looks of his beer. No judgement, beer is delicious. So I sit down, introduce myself, we make small talk. He informs me that he ordered the cheese plate (my profile mentions I eat mostly vegetarian when I cook for myself) and the plate arrives with cheese, some delicious spicy mustard, crackers, and a fuck ton of meat. Luckily I am a carnivore, just too lazy to be one when at home. By lazy I mean cheap. As the evening progresses, he demolishes the cheese plate (I got 2 crackers, and he double dipped- eww) and goes through, minimally, 3 pints. He may have had more, but I know about the three.

Anyhoo, it had been an hour and 15 minutes (how much money I put on the meter) and at this point he had insulted me for being a homeowner so I was kind of done with him, and suggest we pay and leave. The poor waitress comes and asks if it will be one check, causing him to look at me and say, “Well, that cheese plate was pretty expensive…” (dating tip #2- always be able to pay for your half of the date) What. The. Fuck. If you can’t afford a place

1. don’t suggest it


3. don’t order the GD cheese plate.

That’s not even the worst part. So I tell the waitress I’ll get my beers and as I open my wallet he comments about the number of cards I have. How rude. Also, homie, you’re looking at my health insurance  card, a Starbucks gift card, my hair appointment card and a few business cards. THEY ARE NOT ALL CREDIT CARDS and even if they were, don’t be jealous my credit is obviously better than yours.

I digress, here’s where I got irate. I put down my tip on the credit card receipt, he looks at it, decides its good enough AND DOESN’T LEAVE HIS OWN TIP.

*drops mic, exits stage left*

Kids, I really wish I were kidding, but this was a real story. Please, please, please, don’t ever do this. It’s the most crass thing I’ve ever experienced and I’ve been called a harlot on a date.

This entry was posted in Covered in Lamesauce and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Gimme that cheddar

  1. Ugh. People who don’t tip are The Worst.

  2. Jordan Seifrig says:

    I miss your stories.

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