So today I had a break up with part of my family. We both consider ourselves on the right side of an issue (obviously, I’m righter…) and there was a rift. Well, I’m allowing the rift to happen, if groveling and cashy money were involved, I’m sure I could be back in good graces. But my field of fucks is barren, the barrel of fucks is empty, Do you see this fuck I have to give? No, you don’t because there isn’t one to give.
The way in which this break up came about hurt, probably on both sides, but I was hurter, and that made me sit down and attempt to examine my emotions. Without the help of my therapist, so may the intergalactic space octopus help us.
Initial emotion: shock. This one is legit, I’m not concerned about this one.
Next emotion: anguish? General feeling of displeasure? Also guilt. A metric fuck ton of guilt. Goddamn catholic upbringing biting me in the ass. As soon as it feels like more should have been given/done and that because I didn’t, I failed, the guilt comes in. And that is some serious bullshit.
Tertiary emotion: sadness. This one’s pretty vague. It’s hard to tell if I’m sad because the victim mindset is really easy to fall into or because the whole thing is upsetting, which would obviously result in sadness.
Bouncing around in the background like the fat kid in dodge ball (shut it I was/am that kid): anger. Righteous anger tends to pop up with no warning (because I was righteouser) and that high road is not looking awesome. The cursing, insult slinging road is looking like a hell of a lot of fun. Balls.
Hiding behind the anger: fear. Coupled with insecurity. If it’s this hard maintaining relationships with family, what are the odds of my friends putting up with me? Also, vaguely victimy, I get that, but it’s there. It’s wrong, but just because your head knows something, doesn’t mean that your heart does. Not yet anyway.
But you know what? I will never have to deal with that horseshit ever again, and that is priceless.