Well, I forgot I had this. No, that’s a lie. I didn’t forget, I just had been dating someone that caused me not to need this blog. But then I broke up with him. Mostly for time issues, some boundary setting, nothing insurmountable, but I had caught feelings and was maybe a bit irrational. And let’s face it, when it comes to dating, I’m the equivalent of a drunk toddler.
So I broke up with him, 3 months ago? And while we’d only really been dating for 5 months, I fell so hard. And for my friends out there, you all know I hate emotions. Yeah, you blog readers read posts about my mom and my musings over why I’m single, but for the most part, those are even very surface level emotions for me. I don’t like to cry, hell, I even avoid it when I’m with my therapist, you know THE PERSON I PAY TO DEAL WITH MY CRAZY. *shrug* It’s because I’m scared.
I’m so scared of being hurt, of letting anyone in and having to deal with the fact that they may not like the person I am. Why am I sharing this with you internet? Because last night, I sent the guy an email asking if he wanted to try again. Because I loved (love?) him, I ran. Now, I may still end up running, there’s no guarantee, but I think that we could talk through where the relationship had issues (no, I’m not going into them, and I do think that they could be worked through on both sides). This essentially means I’m writing this post in a euphorically vulnerable state and will most likely regret it. For now I’M RIDING THAT EMOTIONAL WAVE, BABY.
Oh man, rereading this makes me sound like such a pompous asshat. While all of the above is true, I feel like there should be some sort of general disclaimer stating that I’m a weenie and recognized that I need to get over my own shit. Also, I understand that my emotional issues are so very minor in light of what other people deal with (much better than I do) on a daily basis. That being said, emotions are still dumb and scary.