Oh hey, look, a blog

Well, I forgot I had this. No, that’s a lie. I didn’t forget, I just had been dating someone that caused me not to need this blog. But then I broke up with him. Mostly for time issues, some boundary setting, nothing insurmountable, but I had caught feelings and was maybe a bit irrational. And let’s face it, when it comes to dating, I’m the equivalent of a drunk toddler.

So I broke up with him, 3 months ago? And while we’d only really been dating for 5 months, I fell so hard. And for my friends out there, you all know I hate emotions. Yeah, you blog readers read posts about my  mom and my musings over why I’m single, but for the most part, those are even very surface level emotions for me. I don’t like to cry, hell, I even avoid it when I’m with my therapist, you know THE PERSON I PAY TO DEAL WITH MY CRAZY. *shrug* It’s because I’m scared.

I’m so scared of being hurt, of letting anyone in and having to deal with the fact that they may not like the person I am. Why am I sharing this with you internet? Because last night, I sent the guy an email asking if he wanted to try again. Because I loved (love?) him, I ran. Now, I may still end up running, there’s no guarantee, but I think that we could talk through where the relationship had issues (no, I’m not going into them, and I do think that they could be worked through on both sides). This essentially means I’m writing this post in a euphorically vulnerable state and will most likely regret it. For now I’M RIDING THAT EMOTIONAL WAVE, BABY.

Oh man, rereading this makes me sound like such a pompous asshat. While all of the above is true, I feel like there should be some sort of general disclaimer stating that I’m a weenie and recognized that I need to get over my own shit. Also, I understand that my emotional issues are so very minor in light of what other people deal with (much better than I do) on a daily basis. That being said, emotions are still dumb and scary.

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Christmas Eve

This Christmas has been all wonky. First, it’s 52 degrees and sunny. In Indiana. On Christmas Eve, so that’s weird. But I personally appreciate not having to schlep through snow, ice, and sleet to get to work. However, due to this heat wave we’ve had all “winter” I’ve not put up a tree, done any decorating, or even really bought many Christmas gifts. Unseasonably warm weather really does not make me want to put up boughs of holly. Also, I think holly is bad for dogs.

Second, some of it also has to do with the fact that I’m spending Christmas alone this year. DogFace will be there, because DogFace is always there, lurking in the shadows, hunting for food scraps, licking her own butt, barking at farts, but alone as in without other human-like people. TOTALLY MY CHOICE, before anyone freaks out and starts inviting me to things. I could drive up North and see the fam, but I’ve already got plans to see them on NYE (and I don’t have any gifts), and there are plenty of other options, however I’m really feeling ‘meh’ about the entire thing this year.

I’ve felt pretty ‘meh’ about most major holidays this year in general, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc, I think it’s just A.) I’m tired, B.) I’m still going through a grieving process, and C.) I plan on sitting in my jammies, cuddling my dog, watching Star Trek: TNG on Christmas Day, and damn if that doesn’t sound like the best day ever.

Regardless of my general meh-ness, or the one good thing about global climate change, I really do wish everyone a wonderful Christmas, and while it may not be white, may it be among the ones you love! (You know, like me, because my guess is you’re going to see this on Christmas, read it then AND THEN IT WILL BE LIKE WE’RE TOGETHER)

HAPPY CHRISTMAS (and bah humbug!)


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That came out of left field.

That came out of left field.

And this ladies and gents, is why I hate online dating.

I like how duder just assumed that line would work; is it because I misspelled a word? Do I seem desperate? Because I’m not. Also, do you want a wrestling match on the first date? What in the actual hell are you after man? A dear friend suggested that maybe he just meant thumb wrestling, heh heh heh, that suggestion gave me a good chuckle. All I know is that this guy had an agenda, and it was not one I was interested in, now if you’ll excuse me, Murder, She Wrote is starting.

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A Love Letter

Today is the two year anniversary of Mom’s death, which is hard to believe. Sometimes it seems like only yesterday, sometimes it seems like decade, but really, it’s only been 24 months. This year, instead of focusing on the loss and the grief, I’d like to write a love letter to my family and friends for all of the support they’ve given me these past two years.

To my Dad,

I know that we weren’t always close and I was an angsty, unreasonable individual, but when I called you, you were there, no questions asked. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to express how much that means to me. I love you.


Even though I’ve not always welcomed it, you’ve always been there with open arms and I’m just now starting to take advantage of all the love you’ve been offering. Thanks for mothering me, even when I was a brat.


The one memory that really stands out after Mom had passed and everyone left, is when you told me you were proud of me; hearing that really meant a lot and still does to this day. Also, I appreciate you calling and checking in on me, it’s good to know people care, sorry I’m awful about calling you.


I remember coming home and you were there and you’ve been there every day since, hugging me when I cry, making me laugh- I can only hope that I’m as good a friend to you as you are to me.


You offered to take your vacation to help me take care of Mom when she was on Hospice, that earns you a forever place in my heart, whether you like it or not!

The rest of my friend group,

The grief package you put together really did help, as does your love and support. Seeing you guys several times a week really brings me a sense of peace and family I didn’t even realize was missing.

To my friends that I don’t get to see as often, it’s ok, we’ve moved to different places, and talking on the phone (well, texting, since I really dislike talking on the phone) really does count!

Sisters and Brother,

You guys have been amazing at accepting me and offering love and support. I’m looking forward to spending more time together at family get gatherings and holidays.

My family,

Your kind words and check-ins have not gone unnoticed, and I love hearing the stories from when Mom was younger, they really do make me smile.

In general, to everyone I’ve not mentioned specifically or who may fall outside of these groups, thank you for your support and love, it is appreciated more than you know.

I love you all.

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2 Years

Next, next Tuesday, the 15th, it will have been 2 years since Mom died. Typing that makes me sad and a little teary, but the feelings aren’t overwhelming, which they were last year. Around this time last year, I think I was crying into my pillow pretty regularly, because grief is a weird thing.

This year though, everything feels more settled, the house is sold, the estate is settled, and the bad memories are fading. Mom and I spent such a long time in role reversals that a great deal of anger and resentment had built up, not even necessarily over her death, but in her last few years, making it hard to remember the good times. And while her last few years weren’t ideal, it doesn’t make me angry anymore; it just makes me sad, which is ok. BUT now I can remember going to a cousin’s wedding and being the first out on the dance floor with Mom because they were playing a polka, going dress shopping for my senior prom and finding the perfect dress on clearance because of a broken strap, the hand-made white chocolate candies, her obsession (not with flamingos, though there’s that too) but with holiday trees. My hand to god, she had a tree for every season; for the most part they were 3 foot tall dead branches that she would then string with seasonal lights and whatever decorations she could find. Heh, she even used to love putting holiday themed answering messages on the machine.

Looking back, Mom was super involved at school, at one point becoming my grade school librarian. At the time it was annoying (as kids are wont to think), but hindsight, it was nice having her so close. I used to get dibs on all the best books and she always brought the coolest things to class parties. She even went on most of the field trips with me, to local places, but also DC, which I remember because she was oddly cool with letting me hang out with my friends and do my thing.



The best part is that those memories is that they are finally fitting the picture of the beautiful, smiling woman sitting on my desk.

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Emotions are weird

So today I had a break up with part of my family. We both consider ourselves on the right side of an issue (obviously, I’m righter…) and there was a rift. Well, I’m allowing the rift to happen, if groveling and cashy money were involved, I’m sure I could be back in good graces. But my field of fucks is barren, the barrel of fucks is empty, Do you see this fuck I have to give? No, you don’t because there isn’t one to give.

The way in which this break up came about hurt, probably on both sides, but I was hurter, and that made me sit down and attempt to examine my emotions. Without the help of my therapist, so may the intergalactic space octopus help us.

Initial emotion: shock. This one is legit, I’m not concerned about this one.

Next emotion: anguish? General feeling of displeasure? Also guilt. A metric fuck ton of guilt. Goddamn catholic upbringing biting me in the ass. As soon as it feels like more should have been given/done and that because I didn’t, I failed, the guilt comes in. And that is some serious bullshit.

Tertiary emotion: sadness. This one’s pretty vague. It’s hard to tell if I’m sad because the victim mindset is really easy to fall into or because the whole thing is upsetting, which would obviously result in sadness.

Bouncing around in the background like the fat kid in dodge ball (shut it I was/am that kid): anger. Righteous anger tends to pop up with no warning (because I was righteouser) and that high road is not looking awesome. The cursing, insult slinging road is looking like a hell of a lot of fun. Balls.

Hiding behind the anger: fear. Coupled with insecurity. If it’s this hard maintaining relationships with family, what are the odds of my friends putting up with me? Also, vaguely victimy, I get that, but it’s there. It’s wrong, but just because your head knows something, doesn’t mean that your heart does. Not yet anyway.

But you know what? I will never have to deal with that horseshit ever again, and that is priceless.

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To my good date- Thank You!

So, about two weeks ago I had a good date. I KNOW, CRAZY right? It was with a gentleman that I’ve “known” about two years. I use the term “known” loosely because we connected on a dating site, moved to Facebook (where we found mutual friends in common) and chatted off and on from there. Well about two weeks ago, we finally went out and it was really lovely.

At one point he thought he was going to be late so not only did he text me, he called me and let me know what was going on. I’m not usually one for phone calls, but since A. It was a voicemail and B. I appreciate the shit out of gesture, all was well.

We ended up meeting for lunch (btw kids, lunch dates are the best, because you always have a time limit which is a good thing no matter what) and he was funny, well spoken, thoughtful, and attractive. He also picked up the tab which was entirely unnecessary, but so very appreciated.

Honestly, there’s a good chance he may see this, and if he does, thank you. Thank you for giving me reprieve from my bad dates, thank you for being a gentleman, and thank you for making me laugh.

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